Sunday, May 30, 2010

You know, it's never too late to start watching Breaking Bad

A quick catch-up before you start watching the best show on television.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Game On

Though my beloved St. Louis Blues suck, as usual, I can still enjoy the Stanley Cup Finals.

For years I labored under the delusion that my favorite sports were:
1a. NFL
1b. NHL

I've come to notice something very telling, however. When I'm watching football, I find myself doing other things, as well. Hockey, on the other hand, tends to hold my complete attention.

I can only conclude that hockey has ascended to the top of my particular sports hierarchy.

And what a game it is! Speed, skill, violence, the great sound of skates slicing into ice, the zamboni... What more can you ask for?

And the best part is the pace of the game. If you have a mere 2 hours to spare, you can watch an entire hockey game. Each team gets a grand total of one timeout for the entire game. Let me reiterate that for any NBA fans reading this post: one timeout for the entire game!

I single out basketball because, in effect, hockey killed basketball for me. I was a huge hoops fan growing up. Couldn't get enough of it. After watching some hockey, however, and seeing the great pace at which the game is played, I quickly realized what an inferior product the NBA was trying to pedal. Never again would I dedicate 45 minutes to see the last 90 seconds of an "exciting" NBA game.

See, I'm very American when it comes to sports. I don't have time to spend on nonsense. Give me the game, entertain me for a couple of hours, and then go the hell away. I don't give a rat's behind if the players are shooting 'roids directly into their scrotum on the bench; just give me a few minutes of release from my miserable life, you magnificent bastards!

And while I'm bearing my ugly American soul, the world can keep their precious soccer... er, excuse me, futball. What the hell is that? Don't get it. Don't want to get it. And yeah, I've actually watched games before.

People in my home town are absolutely nuts for soccer. They pack 50000 people into the stadium for each frickin' game! As a courtesy to these people, many of whom I work alongside, I took in a couple of games...

Dear god in heaven, I've never been so bored in my entire life! It's no wonder the crowds are always chanting or dropping urine bombs on each other; they have to do something to entertain themselves!

And stop it with the whole, "They are the best athletes because they spend the whole game running." No they don't! They spend about 3/4 of the game strolling down the field, and then actually running the other 1/4 of the time. You know it's true, soccer fan. Don't even front.

Anyway, this wasn't meant to be an anti-soccer screed. This post is meant to celebrate the championship series of the greatest game in the world.

Hockey rules!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Black Death Invades Household... Film At 11

Man, I hate being sick. I mean, like, really REALLY hate being sick!

It pisses me off when my chest gets all tight and I have no lung capacity. Walking up the stairs of my townhouse this morning nearly induced a coma (no disrespect to Gary Coleman... RIP). I coughed so hard I nearly had a brain aneurysm (again, no disrespect to GC).

Mainly, I just hate drinking water. That's what everyone always tells you to do when you have a cold--drink freaking water.

"Don't get dehydrated!"
"The doctor says you need to drink water!"
"Gary Coleman didn't drink enough water and look what happened to him!"

It's like a never-ending litany.

Well guess what... I'm not going to do it. I refuse to drink water EVER AGAIN!

From this day forward, I shall drink only refreshing caffeinated beverages.

Oh, yeah, this is gonna be big.

It's like the time I went on that all red meat and cigarette diet back in college. Sure, I would occasionally cough up blood, but when you live on the edge of oblivion, you're sometimes obliged to peek into the abyss.

Boy, I'm really not feeling well. Maybe I should take my temperature. Maybe I have malaria or one of those Mexican intestinal parasites or something. Jesus!

I can't hear out of my right ear. No matter how many times I yawn or do that jaw clicking thing they always tell you to do when the airplane is landing, I can't make my ear pop. I think I'm slowly coming unhinged!

How much snot can one man produce? I mean, seriously. My wastebasket looks like a semi-liquid sea of tissues and magic nose goblins.

Luckily, my throat is still okay. It seems like every time I have the sniffles, it makes a fast break straight to my throat. No joke, I can get strep throat just from hearing Keith Richards talk!

My odds of avoiding strep have greatly increased since I discovered Halls Plus cough drops with the 'soothing' "syrup" center. I stick with the cherry flavor because, quite frankly, the other flavors make me puke. Actually, the cherry ain't so hot either, but what the hell--it works.

I think I need to take a hot shower. Maybe the steam will open my bronchial passages. Does that really work? I remember using a humidifier when I was a kid. It never did anything to help my asthmatic ass, but I found the sound soothing. If they made a humidifier that sounded like the warp core on Star Trek: The Next Generation I would never get out of bed!

Wow, I think I'm about to enter the phase where I start seeing visions. I swear to god, I think I just saw the Virgin Mary in a pile of empty cough drop wrappers! She had an angelic face, with a soft and heavenly aura surrounding it. Her voice was gentle and reassuring. She said...

"Whatta you stupid? Drink some water, you dumb ass!"