Friday, May 28, 2010

Black Death Invades Household... Film At 11

Man, I hate being sick. I mean, like, really REALLY hate being sick!

It pisses me off when my chest gets all tight and I have no lung capacity. Walking up the stairs of my townhouse this morning nearly induced a coma (no disrespect to Gary Coleman... RIP). I coughed so hard I nearly had a brain aneurysm (again, no disrespect to GC).

Mainly, I just hate drinking water. That's what everyone always tells you to do when you have a cold--drink freaking water.

"Don't get dehydrated!"
"The doctor says you need to drink water!"
"Gary Coleman didn't drink enough water and look what happened to him!"

It's like a never-ending litany.

Well guess what... I'm not going to do it. I refuse to drink water EVER AGAIN!

From this day forward, I shall drink only refreshing caffeinated beverages.

Oh, yeah, this is gonna be big.

It's like the time I went on that all red meat and cigarette diet back in college. Sure, I would occasionally cough up blood, but when you live on the edge of oblivion, you're sometimes obliged to peek into the abyss.

Boy, I'm really not feeling well. Maybe I should take my temperature. Maybe I have malaria or one of those Mexican intestinal parasites or something. Jesus!

I can't hear out of my right ear. No matter how many times I yawn or do that jaw clicking thing they always tell you to do when the airplane is landing, I can't make my ear pop. I think I'm slowly coming unhinged!

How much snot can one man produce? I mean, seriously. My wastebasket looks like a semi-liquid sea of tissues and magic nose goblins.

Luckily, my throat is still okay. It seems like every time I have the sniffles, it makes a fast break straight to my throat. No joke, I can get strep throat just from hearing Keith Richards talk!

My odds of avoiding strep have greatly increased since I discovered Halls Plus cough drops with the 'soothing' "syrup" center. I stick with the cherry flavor because, quite frankly, the other flavors make me puke. Actually, the cherry ain't so hot either, but what the hell--it works.

I think I need to take a hot shower. Maybe the steam will open my bronchial passages. Does that really work? I remember using a humidifier when I was a kid. It never did anything to help my asthmatic ass, but I found the sound soothing. If they made a humidifier that sounded like the warp core on Star Trek: The Next Generation I would never get out of bed!

Wow, I think I'm about to enter the phase where I start seeing visions. I swear to god, I think I just saw the Virgin Mary in a pile of empty cough drop wrappers! She had an angelic face, with a soft and heavenly aura surrounding it. Her voice was gentle and reassuring. She said...

"Whatta you stupid? Drink some water, you dumb ass!"

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